In The Fatherhood Playbook - Part 4 - Lance and Dante discuss parenting from ages 16 -18 and beyond. Proven strategies for parents to navigate these years with relative ease and how to prepare our children for college, life, and beyond.
In Part 2 - Lance and Dante discuss navigating the elementary years using a Biblical parenting philosophy that has a proven track record of producing children who become Christ-Centered adults.
Lance and Dante discuss the Biblical parenting philosophy that has a proven track record of producing children who become Christ-Centered adults. Based on over 20 years of evidence based research, this is what really works.
Dante and Lance discuss how parents can know that our children have truly accepted Christ and how to look for change of heart and fruit of the spirit for affirmation of faith.
Lance and Dante discuss moralism and how behavior is emphasized in some Christian circles over Christ crucified and authentic sanctification. Lance and Dante also discuss how this same argument is often played out in parenting our children.
Dante and Lance talk about keeping romance and intimacy in the marriage after you've had kids. Practical ways to keep the fire alive 24/7 when we are tired and stressed out from life.
Dante and Lance talk about the Dad Novelty - fathers who start out on fire but then burn out after a few years. Lance discusses the difference between the protection phase and the preparation phase of parenting and five ways to stay the course and finish strong.
Lance and Dante talk about why many of the popular parenting books fail long term, the lasting consequences of behavior modification and manipulation, and how to use a more positive parenting strategy that addresses the root of behavior issues while developing character. #legacydads
Dante and Lance talk about what causes frustration and anger while parenting and how to mitigate it. Lance and Dante also explain how to create a home environment that reflects Christ like character and minimizes the areas that cause frustration.
Lance and his wife talk about common themes of dysfunctional families and parents struggling with children who exhibit behavioral issues. Lance's wife is a licensed behavioral health clinician working with children, teens, and families.
Lance and Dante talk about balancing being in the world but not of the world and how that affects our walk and witness. For parents, balancing sheltering our children with exposing them to the world without fear
As Lance reflects back on his years as a parent, he shares two areas that he would probably make different decisions about today.
Lance and Dante talk about why being an overprotective parent has negative consequences on our children and their development. Studies show that over coddling our children can have emotional, behavioral, and even cognitive repercussions.
See Our Original Post from 2009 - https://www.legacydad.com/blogs/overprotective-parents-underdeveloped-children-part-1
Dante and Lance's son talk about growing up with a Legacy Dad and realizing that faith was real along with living out our faith and being an example to others. Fruit if the Spirit. 1 Corinthians 13
I started this journey and website over 12 years ago, back when my children were 6 and 5 years old. Quite simply, I wanted to raise children who had Godly character, engaged the world, and used their lives to have an impact for God's kingdom. I haven't been actively posting on Legacy Dad the past year because, quite frankly, I've been in the trenches, engaged in raising teenagers, and preparing to launch them into adulthood. In my opinion, this is a critical time in my children's lives and the decisions they make will have more long terms implications. However, the road has not always been easy and things have not always gone as planned...
To start, we currently live in the Northeast part of the country and things are culturally a lot different then we are used to. For starters, where we live, the average couple does not start having children until their mid to late 30's. This means that in our home town and in our church family, we have almost no peer support as most couples our age are just starting their families. Largely, we have had to rely on older couples who have kids our children's age or "empty nesters" who have already launched their children. Granted, we have been truly blessed by the couples who have walked with us but peer support has been largely missing for the past 5 years.
Next, we purposely chose not to shelter our children from the world but to raise our kids "in but not of the world." We've had to raise our children in a culture and in schools that preach "work hard at academics and sports, get a good college education, make a lot of money, and buy big houses and boats to make you happy." It's a very self-centered, what's in it for me culture. Traits like serving ones country or community, giving back by volunteering time, talents, or money, and pursuing a vocation or career that impacts people for God rather than making a buck are largely absent or in some circumstances even deterred.
Thankfully, God had a plan in all of this and our church family and our children's experiences allowed them to see through this shallow and empty culture to persevere. Yes, our children were exposed to things like peers using drugs and alcohol, depression, and even suicide. They've seen friends consumed in the world and end up in trouble with the law or worse. But, they also got to see behind the curtain of the upper-middle class lie - kids who had the big houses, the latest phones, vacations to Europe, and everything handed to them were many times more unhappy, depressed, and treat people with a sense of pompous entitlement. Instead of assimilating and being influenced by this culture, our children rejected it and wanted nothing to do with The Success Illusion. They witnessed and experienced first hand all that the Bible (and mom and dad) have taught them over the years.
Parenting teenagers is an entirely different style of parenting. Teens often look and think that they are adults, therefore they want to make their own decisions. Directly trying to tell your teens which college they should go to or what vocation they might be happiest in often has the opposite effect. Ultimately, teens want to have a say and make their own decisions. Therefore, if you wait until they become teens to start letting them make decisions, you could end up with some setbacks. This is why I have preached for the past 12 years to start allowing children to make decisions and have responsibility early. In the teen years, you move from Director to Coach or Mentor. You have to be clever and find ways to plant ideas and seeds in your teens but ultimately allow them to make the decision and go the direction they want to. Sometimes, this means letting them fail or deal with natural consequences. Too many parents these days are micromanaging their kids lives up until the day they drop them off a college. Sometimes even longer?
Our oldest just graduated and heads off to college this fall yet he is still not sure what he wants to major in or pursue for a vocation. My encouragement to him is to pray, explore some areas and take some classes to see where his passion lays. Over and over again, I have told my kids to follow their hearts and God's plan for their lives and they will never be wrong. Don't choose a career or path just because it has a big salary or fancy title. Pursue what you love based on your calling and gifts and find a way to advance God's kingdom and have an impact on the world. This being said, both of my children are looking at careers and vocations that will have them working and helping other people and possibly working overseas. They both feel that helping people, fighting injustice, and building community are more important than salaries and titles.
Bottom line, nether one of my kids will be attending Harvard or becoming neurosurgeon's. They probably won't develop the next startup app that goes IPO and makes a billion dollars. However, they are both actively engaged (in their own separate ways) in deepening relationships, helping other people, and pointing others to Jesus Christ and his undeserving, amazing grace. While they sometimes slip and have setbacks, more often they rely on the foundation of Christ and Christian values to guide and lead their lives and everyday actions. While they are both spreading their wings and venturing away from our nest, my wife and I are confident and secure that they both are listening to God and allowing the Holy Spirit to move and guide them in their endeavors. By this measure, we have succeeded as parents.
"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
In 1999, the year my first child was born, a study came out stating that 50-70% of Evangelical Youth were leaving the church after high school. On April 20th of that same year, the Columbine High School Shootings took place. Both these incidents made me keenly aware of the eternal importance of my role as a parent and they raised some red flags that our safety-conscious, academic achievement-focused, self-esteem-promoting, parenting philosophies touted by parents and experts...were not working.
Parenting books and advice are similar to network cable news, you can find plenty of fear-based doom and gloom or you can be sold the latest fads or "breaking advice." After researching over 300 books, classes, conferences and courses on parenting, I found that much of the parenting advice was geared towards specific segments of parenting such as behavior or education but very few focused on an overall holistic, long-term parenting philosophy backed by proven results. There were a lot of opinions and theories but very little discernible wisdom.
Many popular parenting books and philosophies focus heavily on reforming behavior, controlling our children's environment, or even manipulating our children to comply or obey. While this seems popular with the Over Protective Parenting Crowd – I wanted to raise children who make the right decision out of obedience and love for God and no matter what environment they find themselves in. I didn't want to raise children who were merely obedient to my rules and boundaries but children who have a change of heart, a heart for Christ that is evidenced by the Fruit of the Spirit in their lives.
The following post is an amalgam of my own personal reflections, talks with empty nest parents and a sermon by Pastor James MacDonald and Mark Gregston on the same topic.
If I Could Do Parenting All Over Again, Here's What I Would Do Differently.
1. I focused too much on authority and obedience and not enough on relationship.
Often as parents, we just want our kids to behave and not embarrass us in public or we are so fearful of the secular world that we try to build Christian bubbles filled with tons of boundaries and rules to try to keep sin and evil away from our children. Looking back, neither one of these strategies works for very long and the greatest piece of wisdom I have learned is that compliance to MY will and rules is not the same as having a changed heart for Christ. There is just no logical way that you can control every move your child makes or everything your child says, especially outside of your home. Children have their own free will and will act on their own accord—and often in their own self-interest. I can create an environment that forces my kids to obey and comply but this ends the day they leave my home and If I haven't fostered an authentic heart change for Christ, I've succeeded in creating obedient children but failed to pass on authentic faith.
2. I would spend more time on Why and less time on What.
Often we spent way too much time trying to micromanage or orchestrate all the details of our children's lives. From schedules, to activities, to "sin management" we tried to do too much for our kids when they should have been doing it themselves. Many times our children will ask us to do something for them that we know they are capable of doing on their own or we just do it for them out of our incessant need to be involved in their details. Looking back, we should have spent more time modeling and reinforcing Biblical principles and life application of Scripture and letting our kids struggle and even fail sometimes learning to apply these principles to their own lives. Teaching them Why we do something is 100 times more valuable than teaching them how or what to do or my preferred way of doing things. If they know in their hearts the Biblical reason Why we do something, the details (what), the environment they are in, peer pressure or a sinful world will not persuade their morals and values.
3. I'd spend more time on common, authentic conversation.
Early on, I'd love to give little teaching (preaching) lessons to my kids sharing all my wisdom about life, faith, history, politics or whatever else seemed to be the topic. When my kids were little, they would look at me as if I was a walking "Dad Version of Google" with all the answers but as my kids grew, we taught them age-appropriate skills in order to allow them to become more and more independent. Soon, my "wisdom sharing" became seen as preachy and I had to learn to ask questions and then shut up. Often, we would have deep and sometimes off-color discussions at our dinner table about everything tweens and teens deal with on the daily basis. My kids would open up about all sorts of issues and struggles they were dealing with and I'd often have to bite my tongue and resist the urge to "tell them how it is" according to Dad's world. I learned that although I could offer sage advice and wisdom, it had to be asked for not freely offered when I disagreed with my children's comments or ideas. I learned to be a better listener than talker, ask thoughtful questions and to always allow discussion on any topic.
4. I would be less concerned about consistency among siblings and more concerned about appropriate decisions for that specific child.
Proverbs tells us that each child has their own unique "inner bent" and God made them that way with that unique inner bent. Our job as parents is not to try to correct that bent for our liking or preference but to raise them individually according to their God given unique abilities, quirks and talents. Often, we would have to make tough decisions that were not popular, not only from our children but even from teachers or other parents. However, we parented each child differently - one needed more boundaries and discipline, the other needed more independence and grace. One could handle more freedoms and responsibility, one needed to wait and mature more. We definitely never tried to make decisions based on what our kids would like, tolerate, or be okay with, but to make the decisions that were best for them individually and for our entire family.
5. I would have trusted my instincts more.
At first, I thought my job as a parent was to monitor or catch my kids misbehaving and then punish them to no end. Please don't misunderstand me, we had plenty of rules and boundaries but as my kids became teens, I learned that my job was to model and teach them how to act but not to try to run FBI surveillance on their lives and catch them making mistakes. Sometimes, I knew my kids were probably crossing some boundaries and testing their independence but rather than resulting to hyper vigilance (which often just pushes kids to become more secretive and clever) I chose to let some things slide unless I had direct knowledge of something. We focused on relationships and discussions because losing the ability to talk honestly with our teens or pushing them to the point where they shut down emotionally, was far worse than any bad behavior.
6. Authentic character over image control.
I've seen kids who look, act and sound like great Christian kids around their parents, church and other adults but in private; they are angry, rebelling from God and engaging in destructive habits. When we focus on image, often our kids learn what we expect and want and give that to us for "show" but they act very different around their peers or in private situations. I often say that I want kids who do the right thing when no one else is looking. In prioritized order, we focused on faith, character traits, treatment of others, teamwork and accountability before grades, sports, talents and behavior. We taught empathy and humility not judgement and bragging. We taught that your integrity is more important than your GPA. This approach ran counter to most teachers, other parents and the secular worlds "expertise" but parenting is not a popularity contest. We took this parenting philosophy right out of Scripture and still believe this is best way to raise kids.
7. Behavior problems are never the real issue.
This holds true for kids, teenagers and adults alike. Often behavior problems stem from underlying heart or character issues or unrepented sin that needs to be addressed more than behavior. Character issues are a function of the heart and exhibiting Fruit of the Spirit is often a thermometer to gauge a person's heart and motivations. If heart and character traits are not made a priority in the home, modeled by parents and other mentors and if children are not held accountable for these traits, behavior issues will arise. In my career field, we fire more people for character and heart issues than any other factor. In Psychology and Counseling, I learned that many of the social, behavioral and psychiatric symptoms identified in the DSM V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) can be directly correlated back to character and heart issues evidenced in Biblical Fruit of the Spirit. Unrepented sin often leads to bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness which are themselves also sins and bitter, resentful and unforgiving Christians often take their sin and poison others and situations with it. God commands us to forgive and to let go of bitterness and sin, regardless of the hurt or pain we feel. We forgive and let go not to let others or sin off the hook, but to bless ourselves and to stay in close fellowship with God. Not dealing with character, heart or sin issues early on in someone's life, merely postpones the consequences until college, marriage or later in life but eventually, the issue will have to be dealt with.
8. Give Them More Responsibility and Accountability Earlier.
Responsibility and accountability leads to maturity and growth. We often spoon feed our kids in areas far too long and the longer we take to allow them to have responsibility, the longer it takes them to mature and realize they cannot do it alone and that they need Christ. We started giving our kids choices and responsibility at around 2-3 years old. They were taught to pick up toys, play fairly and behave appropriately. As they grew, they learned to pick out appropriate clothes, manage money, cook their own food, take care of the house and yard work and they were responsible for their homework, grades and decisions. When we set expectations, boundaries or limits with our children and they did not meet them, we did not freak out or nag our kids non-stop, we simply enforced consequences calmly and told our kids that this was the result of their decision. We realized that our kids were still learning and we often showed them grace but if poor decisions or behavior became a habit, it was simply met with consistent consequences until the behavior changed or our children took responsibility for the area they were lacking in.
9. Struggles and Questioning of Faith Are Normal.
If you have ever read my personal testimony, you know that I attended a private Christian school and grew up in the church but became a professing atheist in my early 20's. Part of the reason for this is that when I had struggles and questions of my faith, they were unanswered or met with answers like "you shouldn't ask or think those things." However, struggling and questioning faith is a normal part of many people's spiritual journey and how we approach it as parents can make all the difference. First, you need to be reading the Bible daily and your faith should be witnessed in your actions and life by your children. Second, I highly recommend you read a copy of "Expository Apologetics" by Voddie Baucham Jr. This book will teach you how to calmly welcome questions and criticism of Christianity, then explain logical answers using Scripture as the backbone. You could also watch the film "The Case for Christ" as a family and discuss the topics. I also like "The Christ Files" by John Dickson (also on DVD) which gives unbiased, academic, and peer-reviewed answers about what historians, archeology, anthropology and science really knows about Jesus of Nazareth and the early Christian church. The bottom line is encouraging your children that these questions and struggles are normal and every Christian goes through them, some more than once. Questioning often leads to greater research and eventually, stronger faith.
10. Do Your Best and Pray Daily.
No parent is perfect nor should you attempt to be, you just get up each day, pray and do your best. Parenting is a perpetual balancing act between Truth and Grace—striving to find the balance between doing too much and doing too little, or giving consequences that are not too harsh but not too soft, either. Parenting is a times a roller coaster and other times a circus, we are often trying to balance several life areas all at once. Christian parents need God and prayer more than ever and no matter how much you try, you cannot rush God's plan for your kids or the Holy Spirit moving and working in their lives. Rather than being reactive and focusing on behavior issues, perfect schedules, or the worlds measurements of success we often need to let go a little and let God work. Focus on areas that really matter in eternity - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, empathy, faithfulness and self-control. If you get these areas right, the rest all falls into place in God's timing.
Rule 101.1 is: Don't forget the little things! As dads (grandpas, mentors, coaches = legacy dads) we have a great responsibility which is our mission field, that is, our family. If God has given us this treasured gift (called our family) then we have been given the mantle to raise them in the Faith, to make our faith real and to love no matter the cost. We are to train them up and like arrows, make them effective in their faith. If we miss this great responsibility then everything else in our life is for nothing. This is not to say that other stuff that we do for the Kingdom doesn't have eternal consequences, but it is to say that God gave us this responsibility and that is of the utmost importance (so don't miss it).
Lance and Gary (home with the Lord now) and I flew out to California to meet and to dream and to plan on where we were going in life and what ministry (ministries) might lie ahead for us in the future. We talked about a lot and shared life and our stories together. It was a great weekend and I am eternally grateful for that time. The one takeaway (of many) that I noted from that weekend was not to miss the little things. Seriously, as men (and women reading this) we are going to blow it (many times). We are going to get angry, tired, frustrated and overall exhausted as parents and as legacy parents to boot. The point of the takeaway was not to miss the little things that will matter most (and be remembered most). Don't miss the teachable moments!
All this to say, is one afternoon this past month, I had noticed that my middle child (one of my daughters) had made a note holder on her door for family and friends to write her notes on these 3x5" index cards. Being curious, I took a note card from her door and wrote her a note that was true and sincere to my heart and love for her. I wasn't looking for anything in return, but I wanted to let her know what was on my heart and my mind.
affirmed that in the note. She really connected to my note and that made her heart flow toward her dad and my heart. This allowed a conversation (actually) many conversations about her life and mine and our faith. This was a very little thing in the magnitude of my day and it didn't take all but 2 minutes for me to write and reflect.
The little things in life mean so much. I love when I hear people talk about loved ones (especially the ones that are no longer on this earth), for the most part they don't talk about the shortcomings or the mistakes, rather, they talk about the silliest and most heartfelt moments that they can remember and mattered most to them - the little things.
In all that you do, live in such a way with your kids, grandchildren and mentees that your faith is real. Your faith is humble and your walk is real. Live in a way that trusts in the Lord and not on yourself.
In all that you do, seek God first, and lean on his direction and not yours.
And remember don't forget the little things and the teaching moments in life!
Here are to legacy dads who decide to strike a chord,
following the Bible as our just reward
When others fail to follow God's way,
Legacy dads humble themselves when we stray.
Although we may fail and lose our way,
We learn to trust in God and follow His way.
Walking with our brothers who share in our strife
we learn to be accountable in our daily life
Trusting and sharing and walking beside
We love our brothers and lean on Jesus as our guide
To be a better husband, father and friend
We trust in the Lord and we shall not bend
Loving our wives and children we will fight to the end
To hear our Lord say well done good and faithful friend
This past Saturday, I had the privelege to be a bystander and watch and listen to a group of men that really made me appreciate our men's ministry. First of all, the morning started with a few songs led by a guy who wanted us to start the day out with praise and worship a while ago. The last song that he played (we sang) was from Jesus Culture called One Thing Remains. It was powerful to listen to words that are not about us, but about who made us and who loves us more than we ever could. The two facilitators that morning decided that the group was just too big for everyone to share, so they split the group up and we discussed our lives and the Bible verses we read and what each meant to us. It was a great morning and a powerful morning. Holiday weeks can be a bit taxing with everything going on and since my mother died back in March, I, for the life of me, cannot catch up with all the paperwork and responsibility that comes with responsibility of being the executor and my father living in assisted living. That being said, I have been really thankful for my family. First of all, for my wife, Kate, who loves me no matter what I do - you see we married each other for better or for worse - no "ifs" "ands" or "buts"...When we said "We do" we meant it. I am thankful for that.
I am thankful for our three wonderful children that God has blessed us with. I love the way that God has made each of them and I appreciate how much they show me how much God must love me!
I am thankful for my friends that I pray for. When I first got into ministry I prayed for spiritual friends like I have today, I am thankful for that.
Today, even in my own personal trials and tribulations, I am thankful!
What about you? What are you thankful for?