04 Jan 2007, Posted by Lance in General, 1 Comment.

The Foundation of the Legacy Part II

• Tweet

Conflicts Unresolved

When was the last argument you had with your spouse or
someone you loved? Who won that
argument? No one. An argument that tears down is always a
lose-lose situation. Men, we love to be
right and we love to hold onto the right to be right, which is foolish.

Some people also hold onto the right to be offended. Some people enjoy the self pity of being
offended and playing the victim role. These people will set up a situation to be rejected so they can feed
their self pity image. Some people also
use a minor form of this in self sabotage. They unconsciously and sometimes consciously ruin a situation when it
gets to good just to hang on to the self pity feelings. And finally the worst of all is people who
hang onto forgiveness. They do not
forgive and hold a grudge for sometimes years against someone.

 
So how do we resolve conflicts?

First, we must repent. Repent of pride, self pity, or unforgiveness or whatever combination of
the three. 

Secondly, you make a commitment to never let the sun go down
on unresolved conflicts.

 Make this the norm in your household. Do not go to sleep at night if you have not
resolved a conflict with your spouse or children. This creates resentment and hardens the
heart towards you.

 Having this commitment and making this the norm causes you
to focus on what is important, oneness with your spouse and children. Sometimes you have to stop and say “I’m
wrong, you’re wrong and I’m sorry, let’s just repent and go to bed.”

Why is this such a big deal? 

Ephesians 4:26-27

 "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down
while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (NIV)

 
Give the devil a foothold? What scripture is saying is that by going to
sleep with unresolved conflict and resentment, we are allowing Satan to occupy
a portion of our heart, in the form of sin and anger towards our wife or loved
ones.

 And he will take it…drip…drip.
Remember the water leak?  Slow drips kill
the marriage.

 I don’t know why God placed this
time frame on resolving conflict but I believe t has something to do with going
to sleep and hitting our mental reset button. The next morning we forget some of the argument, forgot the context of
some of the statements, did not clarify motives or feelings in the argument and
this causes us to assume we understand our loved ones motives and often times
leads to resentment towards that person. You leave a cut in your relationship to fester quietly below the
surface.

 
What happens in the future is when
this topic is revisited at a later date you bring back this old cut and
emotions to the topic and there is a history there that starts this situation
already with old emotional baggage and anger. Eventually, if this persists long enough, their will be areas in your
marriage that you do not want to talk about because all that past anger and
resentment has been left festering in unresolved conflict and pain.

Now listen to this closely. The number one principle in the Bible
concerning marriage is the principle of oneness. Oneness between husband and wife.

 Mark 10:7-8

 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and
be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they
are no longer two, but one.” (NIV)

More on this at a later date.

If oneness in the marriage is
attacked, then the happiness, our enjoyment, the vitality of our marriage is
diminished by that. If we have allowed
the sun to go down on unresolved conflict in places of our marriage and now
there is places we cannot discuss, cannot have a free flowing exchange of
ideas, we have allowed holes in our oneness and not only has our oneness and
enjoyment gone down the power of our marriage has also been diminished.

 
Agreement and oneness is the place
of power and if we are not in agreement, if we are not one than we have lost
our power in our relationship, we have lost power in spiritual warfare, in
prayer, in finances, in decision making and raising our children.

And what God intended to be an 8
Cylinder Engine firing with oneness, is now on 4 cylinders and struggling and
drifting. We cannot allow the days to
end on unresolved conflicts. It creates
a downward spiral.

 Okay, there are some disagreements
that are minor. Who’s a better actor,
the best engine oil, whatever. The
arguments that need to be resolved are those that involve emotions, true
meaning. When there is an offense of
some sort.

Bottom line, if a disagreement is
not resolved, it leads to resentment. Resentment leads to bitterness and bitterness over time kills a marriage
with the slow drip.

 So practice some everyday
maintenance and keep the slow drip out of your marriage, resolve disagreements
and don’t go to sleep at night until you have come to an agreement and agreed
on a solution.

 
More to come in Part III…