28 Dec 2006, Posted by Lance in General, No Comments.
The Foundation of the Legacy: Part I
single most important step in the Legacy Dad process, if you don’t get this
right then all the rest seems out of place. This is also something you will work on everyday for the rest of your
life. It is so important that I call it
the Foundation of the Legacy. I asked
God to help me when I explain this to you, so it will come across to you
clearly and you will see its utmost importance. So many Christian and non-Christian couples struggle in this area and I
believe it is one of the reasons we have so many wounded and angry adults in
this world. I am talking about your
marriage.
children. How you treat your wife will
be how your sons treat their future wives. Your daughter will expect men to treat her as she saw you treat her
mother. If you are setting the proper
example this can be wonderful. If you
are setting a bad example, the results can be disastrous.
book. The first is a sudden burst of
pipes which floods your house with water and the effects are immediately
visible. The second is the gradual leak
in which the effects are not visible immediately but over time it eats away at
your home and in most cases, causes even greater damage. Pipes break at pressure points or points that
are weak.
the same two leaks and it is the most vulnerable at your pressure points.
is much easier to do some preventative maintenance periodically. You can repair a marriage from a major leak
but it is much easier to do some daily maintenance and save yourself some
emotional dollars.
burst, unexpected and unforeseen things. A financial failure, being laid off or losing a business. The income stops temporarily, debts pile up
and pressure looms in and causes friction. Some marriages don’t survive this burst. Or it could be a tragedy, the death of a child or family member and the
husband and wife just can’t stop the leak. The birth of a special needs child can also cause this burst. The focus of the family goes on the child
instead of each other and some marriages don’t survive this burst. There are many circumstances that can cause
this quick burst and end a marriage.
leaks, the slow drifting apart. The
couple that looks happy but one day they wake up and say “We aren’t where we
used to be.” “We aren’t connected.” “We aren’t moving forward.” Now believe me there is no perfect marriage,
the reason why is we are all human and prone to sin. You’re going to argue, going to lose your
cool and say some things you don’t mean. But the goal is to minimize those events and make them the exception
instead of the norm.
will explore. I will cover one per post as they can be lengthy. The first is:
Breakdown
learn in school and college, the things that really matter in life are not
covered? Communication, Morals,
Finances, Relationships.
about themselves and saying what we want to say, when we want to say it and
every one will magically understand what we mean, our motive and intent. That is not communication. Communication is communicating a message in a
way so the other person or the audience understands it in their own way. They get the feelings, they see where you are
coming from, and they hear your intent. The burden of this task is on the communicator not on the one receiving
the message.
not to make sure the other person receives the message in their hearts. The most important part of marital communication
is speaking to a person’s heart so they receive and internalize what you’re
saying.
have not healed. So when a certain topic
comes up in conversation you act out of the old wounded spirit. “You’re just like your MOTHER!!” To some this is a compliment, to others it
brings up a wound and hurt feelings.
Negative tears down, Positive builds up
thing and if your communication style is focused on you instead of the
listener, many times it will come out harsh and offensive.
WHINE!!” “Do you know what I go through
at my job, just deal with it?”
things are really, really hard right now. I can’t even fully understand because I am not in your shoes and I don’t
want to diminish what you are going through but look, you’ve been here before
and God has helped you in the past and he will help you again.”
Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of
your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their
needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (NIV)
Now this is easy to say but much
harder to follow especially in an argument when emotions are flying. We must ask the Lord for grace to help us in
this area. We have a choice of the words
we use and to be a Legacy Dad we must follow the choice given to us by
God. We must also take note of the
particular moment and circumstances, the same words said in a different setting
my come off as offensive and may add another nail in the marital coffin. So we have to also have situational
awareness.
person right now?” “Where is her mind
set?” Then take 5 seconds to choose a response that builds up rather than tears
down. Speak to her as a person in a
unique situation, no matter how many times you have talked about this topic in
the past.
“The tongue has the
power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” Proverbs 18:21
power of the tongue. Men, we need to take responsibility for not only what we
say but how we say it.
they want your heart.
You – “Fine”
Wife -“Your presentation”
You – “Good”
This is how men communicate with
each other. Joe Friday for Dragnet “Just
the Facts” and give them to me quickly. Women however need more, they need your heart.
Which brings us to another point,
effective communication is give and take. So times women ask you a question just so they can talk!! There whole goal is to tell you about their
day but first they ask you a question to lead in. Which also means you have to be an active
listener? Moving on…
Wife – “How was your day Honey?”
You – “Fine”
Wife -“Your presentation”
You – “It was great, I really felt
the power point slides conveyed my message and the boss was very excited and
happy with the outcome. He really
listened to my ideas and took a long hard look at the proposal.”
Now there is reason that guys
don’t like to talk about feelings, especially in front of his wife. We have this deep seeded, playground sissy,
homophobia about talking with our feelings. We also are afraid we will be diminished and seen as weak in the eyes of
our wife. “I am MAN, The Hunter and
Killer, I got Mickey Thompson’s on my truck.
nervous and scared. We remember being a
little boy having to give a speech in class or asking a girl out for the first
time. We still have that little boy
inside us instead now he grew up, got a job and has the money to buy the really
cool toys.
Me – “I needed this circular saw”
Wife – “Why”
Me “Do you do woodwork?”
Wife – “No”
Me – “Then you wouldn’t
understand, I need this.”
Now here’s the kicker. We feel like if we share our feelings that we
seem weaker or diminished in the eyes of our wife but in reality, it makes your
wife see you as stronger, more passionate and desirable which leads to your
wife feeling like Paula Cole in
her song "Feeling Love" which leads to something every guy likes.
Now guys, I’m not talking about
running around talking about feelings with everyone or trying to be that
annoying sensitive guy that every woman loves. To me this is emasculation. I’m
talking about sharing your feelings privately with the woman in your life and
believe me, my wife tells me nothing is more exciting for her than when you add
the manly men we are with some
occasional deep, true feelings.
What this shows a woman is that
you are not insecure about your feelings, but you are a secure, strong man who
can discuss these feelings. This is very
exciting for women because most guys don’t and by sharing these feelings with
your wife, she feels as if she is very important because a man would only share
his feelings with someone very special to him.
Hey guys, don’t shoot the messenger;
I’m just trying to translate this so we can understand it.
When you combine our manly nature
with expressing true feelings to your wife she will love you more, respect you
more and respond to you more sexually. I
thought that might get your attention! Honestly, sex becomes more frequent and passionate when you communicate
to your wife in this way. You have to
let her in to your heart.
ever gave us the female language translation guide in high school. Men communicate very differently than
woman. Have you ever listened to a
teenage boy talk to his friends on the phone…?
Hey……Ah-ha……Yo…dude…..dude……seriously? Yeah…peace out.
In man language the word dude can
have multiple meanings depending on the type of inflection placed when the word
is said. It goes back to our caveman
days when we would simply grunt and point at what we wanted. It’s simple and to the point but woman don’t
speak our caveman-dude language. You
have to speak to woman differently than you speak to men and you cannot speak
to men using the feelings-woman language. Trying to speak to other men using the women-feelings language will get
you labeled as the lost member of the Village People.
Bottom Line. There are different
rules when speaking to women that you must follow to be understood.
Next is a point I am guilty of
frequently. Assuming peoples motives
before hearing the whole story. We hear
what we want to hear and assume our wife’s motives.
All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight, But the
LORD weighs the motives. Proverbs 16:2 (NASB)
Half the time we don’t understand
our own motives so why do we think we can understand the motives of others? You may have an inkling of understanding, it
may look, smell and sound like something in the past but you may be wrong. Have you ever thought you were right about
something beyond a shadow of a doubt only to find you were wrong?
Has this ever happened? You are sitting at the table doing the
finances or something else frustrating and your wife comes in with that look on
her face, she asks some pointed questions and you freak out.
“What, you want to do this? You think you’re so smart? FINE. (Throwing the checkbook) You do
the finances from now on!!”
Maybe she wasn’t thinking about
the finances? Maybe that look was
because the kids were upstairs driving her crazy? But, we assume she has a problem with
us.
What we could have said was this:
“Honey, when I am doing the
finances it is stressful and when you come in here with a disgusted look on
your face, it makes me feel that you don’t trust me or that you think I am
doing something wrong? Can you please clarify for me what you are feeling so I
don’t assume the worst? Because from my perspective, I’m not sure.”
Did you see that? I didn’t use the words “You Always or You
Never” I said “You make me feel or from my perspective” You are not assuming
motive. Using simply words like “in my
opinion” or “from my point of view” saves many, many arguments and fights. It is amazing but once I started looking at
the words I use, I realized I accused motives often. Simply changing my words to “Honey, when you
said that, you made me feel like…has made my wife many times say “I’m sorry,
that’s not what I meant, what I was trying to say was…” This has saved many arguments in our
household.
Men and women communicate very
differently and we have to learn this difference and practice speaking in womaneze when speaking with our
wife’s. Look at divorce statistics;
finances and communication our always at the top of the list for reasons
marriages end.
husband, we must learn to control our tongues and use the proper communication
skills. Once you learn this, you will
see immediate results not only in your marriage but in all of your
relationships with other people.
Will we
be perfect, of course not. Will we make
mistakes, always. But, this simple
technique will go along way to strengthen your marriage and set the example to
your children. Try this technique for 6
months, stop yourself from falling back into our old ways and you will see
immeasurable results.
More in Part II – Unresolved Conflicts
-Esse Quam Videri-
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